Dear Sammi,

My letter to my sister from 03/05/2021

Sammi,

I hope this letter finds you. I was told you moved back to Missouri. Part of me wishes I would have gotten to see you to say goodbye and the other part of me thinks that that would have been my breaking point. I think about you all the time. I worry about you all the time. Where you are, if you’re healthy, if you’re safe, how many demons you’re battling. And I wonder why you chose to go back to Missouri. It’s no secret I hate that shit hole, but I guess I kind of thought and hoped that you would find your joy here in Florida. Find some peace. Find sobriety. I know you have to live your life, but I had this fantasy idea you could live it here, find a vet tech job, and get to a healthy place. I started writing this because I found the letter I wrote to you before I moved here-dated January 2019. What a difference a year makes. At that time, I don’t think I knew or could wrap my head around what a low place you were at. I don’t think it was until I moved here that I really started to truly worry about you and your health. Wondering how many times you could beat pancreatitis. That fear and worry hasn’t left me since. You’re always on my mind. All I ever wanted was for you to find joy and peace and sobriety. I’ve been to a few al-anon meetings. I don’t say anything I just sit there and listen. To other people talk about how alcohol ruined their family member’s lives. They talk about a higher power so much, but that’s not really my thing I just tune it out and find some peace in knowing that other people have gone through what we have. I really miss the person you used to be. I was so jealous of you in high school. You were so beautiful and fun and funny. That girl back then was bold and fierce. That girl smiled. And somewhere along the way, you stopped smiling. That girl that I was so jealous of disappeared. I really hate that for you. And, selfishly, I hate it for me. We were so close before you started fading. That’s what it feels like-like you faded out of my life. And the past few months-I can’t even text or call you because it’s heart breaking and devastating and life ruining. I hate you’re not you anymore. I hate that we’re not close. I hate that it will probably be years before I see you again. I hate that you’re not close to all of us. I hate that you can’t stop drinking to literally save your life. I hate that Lili doesn’t know who you are. I hate that she says she’ll never drink wine because of all of the shit you put her through. I hate that you’re not here for holidays. I hate the way you’ve hurt mom. I think that breaks my heart more than anything-seeing what she’s gone through with you and what she’s lost. I hate that for the past few years even when you were around-you weren’t really. You’re not you anymore. It sucks. I wish things were different. I wish you were you again. I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know that I’m still your sister and I love you. And if you ever get to a place where you’re not drinking your life away-the door is open for us to be close like we were. I love you Sammi. I hope you’re finding your joy or yourself or finding some kind of peace. I hope you know that I think about you all the time. And I love you very much. And I hope my phone rings one day and it’s you calling to tell me that you’re done drinking and that you’re happy. You deserve to be happy. I’ll be waiting for that call and I’m hopeful I get it some day soon. I love you Sammi. I will always love you. -Lexi