Detox Life
I decided to unblock my sister while I was at work tonight. I think that was probably the 87th time I’ve done that. Sometimes I need a break from the chaos and drama that seem to follow her for the past 18 years.. Or that she seems to chase. That’s something that I've learned about addiction-it goes hand in hand with chaos. Working in detox, when the patient’s physical withdrawals diminish, that’s when the real work begins. Because then they’re left with solitude and finding a way to deal with all of the fucking things they were numbing away for so long. Years. Months. Decades. That’s when people want to leave AMA the most. When the pain that they were masking all this time suddenly comes to the surface and makes life so fucking miserable that they would rather go use or drink and do this whole grimey process all over again. I used to think self-efficacy was the biggest factor in addiction but as the years go on, my view has been challenged and has grown. It doesn’t seem like addiction is a personal failure. Addiction seems like one of the hardest things in the world to overcome. I certainly don’t believe it’s a fucking disease, although that translates to a lot of profit for doctors, pharmacists, nurses, therapists, social workers, researchers, drug companies, rehab facilities. I don’t believe it’s in your genes. One out of five of my siblings is an addict. I don’t believe it’s JUST trauma. Some people experience trauma and never get addicted. I don’t think it’s only a learned behavior. But I do think we learn pretty early on ways to manage pain by watching those around us. I believe it can be a combination of all of these that play into the addiction game. But more than anything, I think addiction is simply (like my 2nd favorite doctor, Gabor Mate, says) a way to solve a problem. It’s that simple. Using or drinking is an attempt at solving a problem. And the more i thought about my sister today-because the young lady with giant hoop earrings like Sammi used to wear was sitting in my office crying saying “I really want this time to be the last time”-all I could think about was, Fuck! I cannot imagine having a magic wand that simultaneously makes all of my pain go away and creates all kinds of new pain all around me. And on a daily basis I have that wand and it’s the most important thing to me. More important than my family. More important than my friends. More important than my god. More important than my health. More important than fucking food. I can’t imagine having that wand and then going to detox and giving up that wand only to go through withdrawals and feel like shit for days. Then go through all the emotions of waking up to the reality of my life and what I've lost and the storms that I have caused once the physical withdrawals subside. And then be in treatment where every phone call I make is monitored and I'm supposed to agree to work through “all levels of care” from detox to residential to partial hospitalization to intensive outpatient to outpatient treatment. And after residential treatment, go live in a sober living house where I’m babysat constantly. And I have a roommate. And then simultaneously do 90 NA/AA meetings in 90 days. And get a sponsor. And get a job. I constantly search results for relapse rates after patients are discharged from inpatient substance abuse treatment. And CONSISTENTLY the rate for relapse after being discharged from an inpatient substance abuse within ONE YEAR in America is 60%. SIXTY PERCENT. Over half of patients will relapse. And that’s an INDIVIDUAL PERSON’S MORAL FAILING? Bull shit. The system is broken. And we don’t fix it because it’s so fucking profitable. Keeping people unhealthy is profitable. And it’s not just the medical system. It’s the judicial system. It's politics. It’s the law. It’s criminalizing substance abuse instead of providing harm reduction. “The war on drugs” literally contributed to a country full of addicts being imprisoned or on the streets or in treatment centers.
